Posted in Funny, Relationships

Episode IX

Long, long ago in a galaxy called Grapevine there

erupted a great conflict. Dan Mallwalker, Grandfather of

the last Jedi, was on a mission of mercy to Sam’s when things

spun out of control. He was attacked by a Death Star called the Tongue

Lasher. Barely surviving the encounter, Mallwalker sought out the help from his most

trusted friend, Opie Won Cannoli. The fate of all male Jedi warriors awaited his counsel.

Mallwaker: Great Opie Won, I need your assistance. I was attacked from the dark side and have barely escaped to tell you the tale.

Opie Won: Ahhhhhhh. Yes. A great disturbance in the force it was. Tell me about it.

Mallwaker: I was on a sacred mission to Sam’s to get some paper towels. Not just any paper towels. I had to get Bounty paper towels, and they had to be the select-a-size type. I had made a serious error before in buying an off-brand. I was determined not to make that mistake twice! The problem was, the only Bounty towels on the shelf had a Star Wars theme on them. I did not think it mattered because they were still Bounty towels. I was wrong! It unleashed the Tongue Lasher and I was within a single lashing of losing my very life! Apparently I should have “known” that they had to be plain white.

Opie Won: Mallwalker, you are a great warrior. You are seasoned in battle and have fought many good fights. You are wise in so many areas, and yet the greatest mystery you have not conquered.

Mallwalker: Tell me Opie Won. What have I still to learn?

Opie Won: You have to learn to think like a woman, Mallwalker.

Mallwalker: But Opie Won, that is impossible. I am not a woman! How can I think like a woman?

Opei Won: You can’t, but you must try. Even a woman does not understand a woman, but you must try.

Mallwalker: Opie Won, how do I make up for this? Is there hope the Resistance?

Opie Won: There is a way. You must buy her two tickets to Star Wars, The Last Jedi and she will understand.

Mallwalker: That will never work! She can’t stand those type of movies! Isn’t there any other way?

Opie Won: There is only one other way. You must take your beating like a man and quit complaining. You must learn the lesson, Mallwaker….or not.

Mallwalker: That is it??? That is your advice? I HATE Star Wars!

On the way back home to his planet, Mallwalker had a brilliant idea. There IS a greater power! Why have I not consulted God? So, Mallwalker poured out his heart to God. He gave Him all the details and then asked God what to do. You know what God said? “You must take your beating like a man and quit complaining. You must learn the lesson, Mallwalker….or not.”


Dan Skognes

When Good Is Bad

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Isn’t it ironic that so many things in life that are good are bad? Don’t believe me? I bet you will see you or someone you know somewhere on the list. Check this out:

  • Virtually everything I crave…cookies, candy, chocolate (my BFF), cake, ice cream, anything deep fried, bacon, etc., are all sooooooo good, and yet bad for ya. I know: Everything in moderation, but who wants moderation when they have a bucket of movie popcorn staring at them? Just to show you how evil movie popcorn is, my wife won’t even share hers with me. She says, “Get your own bucket!”
  • How about when we settle for something good instead of great? Have you ever had a relationship you got into that you shouldn’t have? I am guilty here. I wish I had known Vicki (my wife) since I was a kid, but it would have been kind of weird since she is a few years older than me. Of course, in Arkansas where she is from, that would be OK. I hear 12 year olds date 18 year olds all the time there. :o)
  • How about people who do something good for the wrong reason? Their actions are good, but their motives are selfish. They don’t give with love. They give to manipulate people or to make themselves look good.
  • How about people who are just plain evil? They call good evil and evil good…so their good is evil. How twisted is that? Think Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Osama bin Laden, Idi Amin, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, your, etc. History is full of people who have been in places of power and sought to steal, kill, and destroy any who opposed them.

I realize this list could be virtually endless, but you get the idea. To complicate things, when the younger generation really likes something, they call it “bad!” Hmmmm. Maybe someday we will figure it all out. Till then, I am off to the movies. Quit judging me.


Dan Skognes

Dear God

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Spiritual

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Dan Skognes

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Posted in Funny, Relationships

Kids Say the Darndest Things dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorWhen I was growing up Art Linkletter had a show with that title. It was hilarious. He simply interviewed little kids and waited for them to say what was on their mind…and it inevitably caught him and the audience off guard. If you have never seen the show just YouTube it and watch a few episodes. You can’t help but laugh.

Below are a few comments I have had from kids and my comeback to them:

  • In relation to my claiming to be Superman, I have had many questions:
  1. “If you are Superman, you can fly! FLY!” I just tell them “I never fly without my cape.”
  2. “Where is your cape?” I tell them “It is at home with my wife…Wonder Woman.” That always gets a laugh and look of disbelief. I just give them a big grin and a double thumbs up!
  3. “Superman has hair. Where is your hair?” I just point out that I have some hair on my head…not much, but I have some. LOL.
  4. “Superman has muscles. Where are your abs?” OK, I admit it…that one hurt. LOL. First I ask them “What you are trying to say?”  Then I just tell them, “I am working under cover, so don’t tell anybody.” Apparently I have to start working out.
  5. “Use your laser eyes!” I just tell them, “I can’t because it is a fire hazard and against the school rules.” Then I tell them, “Besides, that is what happened to my head. I was looking in the mirror one day and my laser eyes burned off my hair!” That usually makes them drop their jaws.
  6. “Batman BEAT you in the movie!” I just let them know, “That was just a movie. Batman and I are really best friends.” :o)
  7. “Superman doesn’t wear glasses.” I have to educate them. “Clark Kent does wear glasses, and he becomes Superman.”
  8. “Does Kryptonite really make you weak?” I tell them, “Yes…and Wonder Woman is my Kryptonite.” That usually gets a few giggles. LOL.
  9. “Superman has super powers. What can YOU do?” I tell them, “Be very quiet.” Then I thump my cheek and made a sound like water dropping. It is very funny. They are mystified by it and go around the rest of the day thumping their cheek and trying to duplicate the sound. In all the years I have done this I have only had one kid who could duplicate the sound…and he was a 5th grader. I also have the ability to invert my arms because I am double jointed. So, between the two…that is enough super powers to usually make my point.
  10. “Superman is not old!” To that I respond…”I am the ORIGINAL Superman!  I just put on makeup and a wig for the movies.”
  11. “When are you going to fly for us?” I tell them, “Come to school on Sunday and you will see me fly over the school. I will wave at you!” Of course, they protest that there is no school on Sunday…but at least they know I tried. :o)

*Note to anyone wanting to be a super hero: You had better have answers to all their questions!

Other questions and comments:

  • One little boy looked at me and said, “You have hair in your nose!” I pointed out that everyone has hair in their nose…including HIM. LOL. He was totally disgusted by the mere idea of it.
  • “Are you pregnant?” Thankfully, I did not have to answer that one because another first grade boy told him, “Boys don’t have babies! Girls do!”  By the way, that was my incentive to lose 25 lbs…no kidding. LOL.
  • “What does gay mean?” I tell them it means “Happy!” At least it used to mean that.
  • “What are those brown spots on your arms?” I tell them, “Aliens tried to abduct me and I had to fight them off! Or…it could just be from old age. I am older than dirt!”
  • In relation to my age, I tell them “I am 112 years old.” Then I add, “But hey, I look good, right?” They get wide-eyed and nod yes. I tell them I was born in 1905. Usually there is at least one kid in the group who does the math and informs the rest of them that I really am 112 years old. LOL.

I think I need to bring this show back and interview kids. If you know anyone that produces TV shows, have them contact me. I already have lots of material.  :o)  Shalom!

Dan Skognes

People Are Strange

Posted in Funny

People Are Strange dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorThis might make you start singing the song by the Doors, but I mean this: People are strange! If you don’t believe me, look in the mirror. Just admit it, we all have our quirks. The quickest way for me to get an eye roll from my wife is to say, “Yeah, I made a mistake once.”  LOL. She is quick to bring me back to reality with, “Once???”

I love to people watch and what better place to watch them than….you guessed it:

Walmart. I go to Walmart several times a week, and I think part of it is to just watch the people. The show begins in the parking lot and continues throughout the shopping experience. I don’t think it is right to make fun of people, but some folks seem to invite it with what they wear in public.

Here are a few things I would like to request that you NOT wear in public:

  • Grown women with PINK stamped on the butt of their pants. What are they thinking?
  • If we can see your undergarments through your pants or skirt you need to consider wearing a slip or dark clothes. Seriously. If you are a man, please don’t wear a slip. Opt for dark clothes.
  • Short-shorts on men. Never a good idea unless you want to get beat up.
  • Bermuda shorts on men with over the calf dark socks. (I told my wife if I ever go out like that in public to just shoot me because I lost my mind).
  • If body parts are hanging out of your clothing please buy a larger size. You will breathe easier and spare the rest of us the embarrassment of a wardrobe failure.
  • PJs are not OK unless you are under 3 years old.

This list could be endless, but common sense has to kick in at some age, doesn’t it? Well, maybe not, but if you go out in public dressed like a clown and you are not a professional clown, you are going to end up on The People of Walmart videos on YouTube. You’ve been warned.

P.S. Flip-flops are OK but don’t make the mistake of calling them thongs. That is what we called them when I was a kid. Now you get a strange look from your family if you ask, “Should I pick up a new pair of thongs while I am out?”  Not good if you are old and carrying a few extra pounds…just saying. LOL.


Dan Skognes

Who Got It Right?

Posted in Funny

Who Got It Right dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator


Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Remembrance dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

I started to title this, What Do You Want On Your Tombstone? But…I knew I would get some funny guy saying Pepperoni, so I went with Remembrance. How do you want to be remembered? What do you want people to say about you and how you affected their lives?

As I have aged it seems the years pass like days. It is kind of scary to think that I am in my 60s! What happened? I blinked and all of a sudden I am an old man! I recall hearing people talk about aging and how fast time went by, but I never paid attention until I got to this age and realized there is not much more time on this earth for me. It makes me think about how I want to be remembered.

One of the coolest ideas I heard of was having a living funeral. It is just like a regular funeral except the person being remembered is alive and well…sitting there with everyone. People get up and say how that person has affected their lives, changed their behaviors or thoughts, impacted their goals, etc. How cool is that? Why do we have to wait for someone to die to tell how much they meant to us?

Since you are still reading this, here is my challenge to you. Consider having a living funeral for someone you love. If you are a Baptist you can bring a cover dish for them. It will make it more real for you. LOL.

I think one of the saddest things we can do is not tell someone we love them or how much they meant to us until it is too late. Even if you don’t want to go to the extent of doing the living funeral…at the very least tell the people you love that you love them. It does not count that you told your spouse you loved him or her when you got married 20 years ago. It needs to be verbalized regularly and actions should accompany the words; otherwise it is just talk.


Dan Skognes


Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Tests dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorLife is full of tests, and honestly, I am tired of taking them. Every time I turn around it seems like I am taking another test…but this blog is not about the tests we take. It is about the test we should have taken.

Think about it, we take tests for just about everything: driving, school, jobs, etc. What is the one thing that we DON’T take a test for that should be on the list? Marriage! There needs to be a mandatory marriage test that is required for everyone even considering marriage, and you have to score 100% to pass.

I broke down the test into two sections, one for men and one for women. I would suggest that you answer both sections yourself before going to the answers below. Let’s see how well you know the opposite sex and how well you know yourself.

Questions Men Have To Answer About Women:

  1. When a woman says, “We need to talk.” What does she mean?
  2. When a woman says, “I will be ready to go at 6 PM“ when will she start getting ready?
  3. When a woman says, “I have nothing to wear” what does she mean?
  4. What are the 3 things you should never ask a woman?
  5. What is the 1 thing that every woman needs?

Questions Women Have To Answer About Men:

  1. When you ask a man, “What are you thinking?” and he says, “Nothing,” what does that mean?
  2. How many times should you remind him to do something?
  3. You have some big news to share with your husband who just got home from work. When should you tell him?
  4. What are the 3 things you should never ask a man?
  5. What is the 1 thing that every man needs?

Ok, if you are already reading this, you are cheating. Go back and answer the questions on your own!

Validation: The answers to these questions have come from decades of experience, observation, and too many hard knocks to count.

Disclaimer: You will find that there are sometimes multiple answers to the questions, and your answers may or may not correspond with the ones below. That is because in most cases, it is not black or white. Depending upon your sex, age, experience, and how thick-headed you are, the answers could be quite diverse.

Answer Key For Questions About Women:

  1. When a woman says “We need to talk,” she means you are toast. It is about to hit the fan, so it is best to take your beating like a man and then apologize regardless of whether you did anything wrong or not. Don’t interrupt her. Let her vent now or the volcano will just blow up later with greater intensity.
  2. When will she start getting ready? When she wants to! It will probably be a two to three hour ordeal to bathe, fix her hair, do her makeup, and change clothes half a dozen times. Don’t make the mistake of asking, “Are you ready yet?” That will cause her to give you the evil eye. Trust me. You DO NOT WANT the evil eye.  Ask her again and you will hear, “We need to talk!”
  3. When a woman says she has nothing to wear, it is not to be taken literally. She has a closet full of clothes. Some still have tags on them. It is your job to remind her of “that black outfit” she wore a couple of weeks ago and how pretty she looked in it. Don’t go venturing into her closet without her there as a tour guide. She will gladly tell you quickly all the reasons why an outfit won’t work for the occasion.
  4. 3 things you should never ask a woman: 1. You never ask her about her age. 2. Her weight. 3. What’s for dinner? While you probably got the first two pretty quickly, let me explain the last one to you. If you come home from work and you don’t smell something good coming from the oven, there are two questions that are acceptable to your wife. 1. Would you like me to cook for you tonight? Or, 2. How about I take you out for dinner tonight? Anything other than that is going to open a can of worms, and who wants THAT for dinner?
  5. The one thing that every woman wants is………….drumroll please…………money! You might be saying security, but how do you have security without money? If you want your wife to be happy, you better have a job and make more than enough to pay the bills.  Don’t expect her to make up the difference. If she works, that is her decision and has nothing to do with your responsibility to take care of her. Yes, love is pretty high on the list too, but how do you show a woman you love her? Money! Ok, seriously, you need to learn her love language (in addition to having a job and making more than enough money). Once you know her love language, you will be able to show her love in ways that are meaningful to her. There really is such a thing. Google it.

Answer Key For Questions About Men

  1. When you ask a man, “What are you thinking?” and he says, “Nothing,” he really isn’t thinking anything. Let it GO! Men don’t think a lot of the time. You do realize that, don’t you?
  2. You can ask a man to do something once or twice, but beyond that you are crossing the line into nagging. You need to find a different way to get him to see it as something important. I am not suggesting manipulating, but you can think of some creative ways to help him see the light. Pecan pie works for me.
  3. I don’t care if you won the lottery, give the man some space. When he walks through the door he needs time to unwind. That is why so many men go to their “man-caves.” They just need to do something mindless for a while before their brains can engage in any meaningful conversation. I realize you have to get out your 50,000 words before the sun goes down, but you might want to consider sharing the news with your best friend or your Mom first. Either that or get a dog. Give him some space and you will see him much more attentive. I hate to say it, but there are some similarities to training your dog. Be sure to ooosh over them when they do something right, like put the toilet seat down or remember to take out the trash. Do it and watch the grin that comes to their face. They did something right!  LOL.
  4. The 3 things you should never ask a man are a little more subtle than the ones for a woman: 1. “Do you know how to get there?” That is irrelevant. He WILL get there and does not need you to tell him every turn to make….unless you were going to Washington and find yourself in Florida. In that case, you need to speak up sooner than later. 2. “Can you fix this?” Of course he can. Men are wired to fix things. The real question is, “Can you fix this correctly?” That question will make him at least think before he responds. 3. “Are you listening to me?” A man can be looking you right in the eyes and be thinking about going fishing on Saturday. Sorry ladies, but men have great difficulty with listening. Our minds are constantly thinking about other things of great importance like fishing or checking out the new cars online. We do care about what you are saying. We just need you to help us redirect our thoughts periodically. You can resort to the frying pan method, but that is not as socially acceptable as it was 50 years ago.
  5. I bet most women will get this wrong, because they think that men only think about one thing. While that one thing is quite important to men, it is not the most important thing. Every man needs respect. Some people argue that respect has to be earned. I don’t think so. I think it is something we should give to someone regardless of whether they deserve it or not. Giving respect to a man is part of validating who he is. It is a bigger deal than most men like to admit and something that every man needs. Try it and you will see what I mean. Try NOT doing it and you will see what I mean too. LOL.

So, how did you do? I hope you made a perfect score. If you didn’t, guess what? No problem; you get to take the test again!  You will keep taking it till you pass. Might as well pass the first time, right?


Dan Skognes

Need vs Want

Posted in Business, Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Need vs Want dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorWants can get you into trouble. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting something, but when you confuse wants with needs you are headed for some pitfalls. We live in a very materialistic age where it is easy to be consumed with stuff. It seems that we are constantly being bombarded with ads to buy this or that. You can’t be satisfied till you get THIS. Then you get it and say, “What was I thinking???”

Recognize this about wants:

  • They tend to be emotional decisions. You want that Mercedes, but you need reliable transportation and can afford only half as much. Be careful about making emotional decisions. Take the emotion out of it and think about the consequences. You may have to live with that decision for many years.
  • They are endless. There is always more to be had. Learn to be grateful for what you have and focus more on what is needed vs. what you want.
  • Wants and needs can be the same thing. When that is the case, go for it. Just make sure you are being truthful with yourself. You really NEEDED that 75” big screen TV because your eyesight was failing you…right???  LOL.

Advertisers will always play to your emotions. They want to create that hunger in your belly that can only be satisfied with their product. There is nothing wrong with advertisers doing their job. Just understand the game they play.

Relationships also fall prey to the wants vs. needs dilemma. People get into wrong relationships every day because they lose sight of what really matters. It is like the lyrics from the country song, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Here is the contrast:

  • We want a mansion; we need a roof over our heads.
  • We want to get promoted; we need to do what we were hired to do without complaining.
  • We want a lot of money in the bank; we need to start saving, investing, and live within a budget.
  • We want a meaningful relationship; we need to learn to give instead of take.
  • We want the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. We NEED the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. Come on…you know we are due! LOL.

Next time you are making out your wish list of things you want, go through and ask yourself: “What do you really need?” Start with that list and you will have fewer regrets and a lot more peace.



Dan Skognes


Posted in Funny

ALIENS dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

I recently went to see the new Alien movie. I think I have seen all of them. The latest one was a little unnerving to say the least. I came out of the movie and realized that we have aliens among us!

I am not talking about the kind in the movie with the metal teeth that can tear you apart in one bite…although I have personally known a couple of them and let’s just say…I am lucky to be alive today and still have all my limbs intact.

I am going to reveal to you the biggest cover-up that nobody is even talking about. The elephant in the room is huge, yet not one person is acknowledging that it is there. The aliens are…..women!

You might think it is a joke, but this is real! Think about it. When a woman turns her head and gives a man that “look,” he melts like snow on a hot summer day in Texas. Or, when she is wearing those stiletto heels and strutting her stuff, the man is following her like a sheep going to the slaughter!

We are in trouble, guys. We are at war and don’t even know it. They put this stuff on their face and call it makeup, but it is war paint, guys. Wake up! Look at how many of them there are. They make up about half of the population in the world now. We marry them…have more little aliens. It is out of control!

They have pretty much taken over. They are in leadership positions around the world. Think how close we came to having Hillary as President. OMG! And thing about this, the Statue of Liberty is a what??? A woman! And why is she all green?  She is wearing camo!!! They are blending in and taking over.

I am not trying to be paranoid or anything, but there is a knock at the door. If it is a woman…I am not answering it. Oh no……it is my SISTER! How do I not give away that I KNOW what is going on??? Breathe Dan, breathe.

Here are my survival tips for dealing with aliens:

  • They are known for having to get out their 50,000 words a day. If you can’t handle that, get them a dog or two. That is why dogs were created. They are already under their spell. Just watch them and how they love their master aliens.
  • When speaking with an alien, never ask them what they think about something. Ask them how they FEEL about something if you want to even come close to understanding them. Even then it won’t make sense, but the alien will feel understood.
  • I realize that they are beautiful creatures, but don’t be fooled. They are controlling your mind right now.

I hope these tips will help you survive the perilous days ahead. I have to run now. I have things to do on my “honey-do list.” I will survive!


Dan Skognes