People Are Strange

Posted in Funny

People Are Strange dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorThis might make you start singing the song by the Doors, but I mean this: People are strange! If you don’t believe me, look in the mirror. Just admit it, we all have our quirks. The quickest way for me to get an eye roll from my wife is to say, “Yeah, I made a mistake once.”  LOL. She is quick to bring me back to reality with, “Once???”

I love to people watch and what better place to watch them than….you guessed it:

Walmart. I go to Walmart several times a week, and I think part of it is to just watch the people. The show begins in the parking lot and continues throughout the shopping experience. I don’t think it is right to make fun of people, but some folks seem to invite it with what they wear in public.

Here are a few things I would like to request that you NOT wear in public:

  • Grown women with PINK stamped on the butt of their pants. What are they thinking?
  • If we can see your undergarments through your pants or skirt you need to consider wearing a slip or dark clothes. Seriously. If you are a man, please don’t wear a slip. Opt for dark clothes.
  • Short-shorts on men. Never a good idea unless you want to get beat up.
  • Bermuda shorts on men with over the calf dark socks. (I told my wife if I ever go out like that in public to just shoot me because I lost my mind).
  • If body parts are hanging out of your clothing please buy a larger size. You will breathe easier and spare the rest of us the embarrassment of a wardrobe failure.
  • PJs are not OK unless you are under 3 years old.

This list could be endless, but common sense has to kick in at some age, doesn’t it? Well, maybe not, but if you go out in public dressed like a clown and you are not a professional clown, you are going to end up on The People of Walmart videos on YouTube. You’ve been warned.

P.S. Flip-flops are OK but don’t make the mistake of calling them thongs. That is what we called them when I was a kid. Now you get a strange look from your family if you ask, “Should I pick up a new pair of thongs while I am out?”  Not good if you are old and carrying a few extra pounds…just saying. LOL.

Shalom!

Dan Skognes

Who Got It Right?

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Who Got It Right dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

Remembrance

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Remembrance dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

I started to title this, What Do You Want On Your Tombstone? But…I knew I would get some funny guy saying Pepperoni, so I went with Remembrance. How do you want to be remembered? What do you want people to say about you and how you affected their lives?

As I have aged it seems the years pass like days. It is kind of scary to think that I am in my 60s! What happened? I blinked and all of a sudden I am an old man! I recall hearing people talk about aging and how fast time went by, but I never paid attention until I got to this age and realized there is not much more time on this earth for me. It makes me think about how I want to be remembered.

One of the coolest ideas I heard of was having a living funeral. It is just like a regular funeral except the person being remembered is alive and well…sitting there with everyone. People get up and say how that person has affected their lives, changed their behaviors or thoughts, impacted their goals, etc. How cool is that? Why do we have to wait for someone to die to tell how much they meant to us?

Since you are still reading this, here is my challenge to you. Consider having a living funeral for someone you love. If you are a Baptist you can bring a cover dish for them. It will make it more real for you. LOL.

I think one of the saddest things we can do is not tell someone we love them or how much they meant to us until it is too late. Even if you don’t want to go to the extent of doing the living funeral…at the very least tell the people you love that you love them. It does not count that you told your spouse you loved him or her when you got married 20 years ago. It needs to be verbalized regularly and actions should accompany the words; otherwise it is just talk.

Shalom!

Dan Skognes

Tests

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Tests dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorLife is full of tests, and honestly, I am tired of taking them. Every time I turn around it seems like I am taking another test…but this blog is not about the tests we take. It is about the test we should have taken.

Think about it, we take tests for just about everything: driving, school, jobs, etc. What is the one thing that we DON’T take a test for that should be on the list? Marriage! There needs to be a mandatory marriage test that is required for everyone even considering marriage, and you have to score 100% to pass.

I broke down the test into two sections, one for men and one for women. I would suggest that you answer both sections yourself before going to the answers below. Let’s see how well you know the opposite sex and how well you know yourself.

Questions Men Have To Answer About Women:

  1. When a woman says, “We need to talk.” What does she mean?
  2. When a woman says, “I will be ready to go at 6 PM“ when will she start getting ready?
  3. When a woman says, “I have nothing to wear” what does she mean?
  4. What are the 3 things you should never ask a woman?
  5. What is the 1 thing that every woman needs?

Questions Women Have To Answer About Men:

  1. When you ask a man, “What are you thinking?” and he says, “Nothing,” what does that mean?
  2. How many times should you remind him to do something?
  3. You have some big news to share with your husband who just got home from work. When should you tell him?
  4. What are the 3 things you should never ask a man?
  5. What is the 1 thing that every man needs?

Ok, if you are already reading this, you are cheating. Go back and answer the questions on your own!

Validation: The answers to these questions have come from decades of experience, observation, and too many hard knocks to count.

Disclaimer: You will find that there are sometimes multiple answers to the questions, and your answers may or may not correspond with the ones below. That is because in most cases, it is not black or white. Depending upon your sex, age, experience, and how thick-headed you are, the answers could be quite diverse.

Answer Key For Questions About Women:

  1. When a woman says “We need to talk,” she means you are toast. It is about to hit the fan, so it is best to take your beating like a man and then apologize regardless of whether you did anything wrong or not. Don’t interrupt her. Let her vent now or the volcano will just blow up later with greater intensity.
  2. When will she start getting ready? When she wants to! It will probably be a two to three hour ordeal to bathe, fix her hair, do her makeup, and change clothes half a dozen times. Don’t make the mistake of asking, “Are you ready yet?” That will cause her to give you the evil eye. Trust me. You DO NOT WANT the evil eye.  Ask her again and you will hear, “We need to talk!”
  3. When a woman says she has nothing to wear, it is not to be taken literally. She has a closet full of clothes. Some still have tags on them. It is your job to remind her of “that black outfit” she wore a couple of weeks ago and how pretty she looked in it. Don’t go venturing into her closet without her there as a tour guide. She will gladly tell you quickly all the reasons why an outfit won’t work for the occasion.
  4. 3 things you should never ask a woman: 1. You never ask her about her age. 2. Her weight. 3. What’s for dinner? While you probably got the first two pretty quickly, let me explain the last one to you. If you come home from work and you don’t smell something good coming from the oven, there are two questions that are acceptable to your wife. 1. Would you like me to cook for you tonight? Or, 2. How about I take you out for dinner tonight? Anything other than that is going to open a can of worms, and who wants THAT for dinner?
  5. The one thing that every woman wants is………….drumroll please…………money! You might be saying security, but how do you have security without money? If you want your wife to be happy, you better have a job and make more than enough to pay the bills.  Don’t expect her to make up the difference. If she works, that is her decision and has nothing to do with your responsibility to take care of her. Yes, love is pretty high on the list too, but how do you show a woman you love her? Money! Ok, seriously, you need to learn her love language (in addition to having a job and making more than enough money). Once you know her love language, you will be able to show her love in ways that are meaningful to her. There really is such a thing. Google it.

Answer Key For Questions About Men

  1. When you ask a man, “What are you thinking?” and he says, “Nothing,” he really isn’t thinking anything. Let it GO! Men don’t think a lot of the time. You do realize that, don’t you?
  2. You can ask a man to do something once or twice, but beyond that you are crossing the line into nagging. You need to find a different way to get him to see it as something important. I am not suggesting manipulating, but you can think of some creative ways to help him see the light. Pecan pie works for me.
  3. I don’t care if you won the lottery, give the man some space. When he walks through the door he needs time to unwind. That is why so many men go to their “man-caves.” They just need to do something mindless for a while before their brains can engage in any meaningful conversation. I realize you have to get out your 50,000 words before the sun goes down, but you might want to consider sharing the news with your best friend or your Mom first. Either that or get a dog. Give him some space and you will see him much more attentive. I hate to say it, but there are some similarities to training your dog. Be sure to ooosh over them when they do something right, like put the toilet seat down or remember to take out the trash. Do it and watch the grin that comes to their face. They did something right!  LOL.
  4. The 3 things you should never ask a man are a little more subtle than the ones for a woman: 1. “Do you know how to get there?” That is irrelevant. He WILL get there and does not need you to tell him every turn to make….unless you were going to Washington and find yourself in Florida. In that case, you need to speak up sooner than later. 2. “Can you fix this?” Of course he can. Men are wired to fix things. The real question is, “Can you fix this correctly?” That question will make him at least think before he responds. 3. “Are you listening to me?” A man can be looking you right in the eyes and be thinking about going fishing on Saturday. Sorry ladies, but men have great difficulty with listening. Our minds are constantly thinking about other things of great importance like fishing or checking out the new cars online. We do care about what you are saying. We just need you to help us redirect our thoughts periodically. You can resort to the frying pan method, but that is not as socially acceptable as it was 50 years ago.
  5. I bet most women will get this wrong, because they think that men only think about one thing. While that one thing is quite important to men, it is not the most important thing. Every man needs respect. Some people argue that respect has to be earned. I don’t think so. I think it is something we should give to someone regardless of whether they deserve it or not. Giving respect to a man is part of validating who he is. It is a bigger deal than most men like to admit and something that every man needs. Try it and you will see what I mean. Try NOT doing it and you will see what I mean too. LOL.

So, how did you do? I hope you made a perfect score. If you didn’t, guess what? No problem; you get to take the test again!  You will keep taking it till you pass. Might as well pass the first time, right?

Shalom!

Dan Skognes

Need vs Want

Posted in Business, Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Need vs Want dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educatorWants can get you into trouble. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting something, but when you confuse wants with needs you are headed for some pitfalls. We live in a very materialistic age where it is easy to be consumed with stuff. It seems that we are constantly being bombarded with ads to buy this or that. You can’t be satisfied till you get THIS. Then you get it and say, “What was I thinking???”

Recognize this about wants:

  • They tend to be emotional decisions. You want that Mercedes, but you need reliable transportation and can afford only half as much. Be careful about making emotional decisions. Take the emotion out of it and think about the consequences. You may have to live with that decision for many years.
  • They are endless. There is always more to be had. Learn to be grateful for what you have and focus more on what is needed vs. what you want.
  • Wants and needs can be the same thing. When that is the case, go for it. Just make sure you are being truthful with yourself. You really NEEDED that 75” big screen TV because your eyesight was failing you…right???  LOL.

Advertisers will always play to your emotions. They want to create that hunger in your belly that can only be satisfied with their product. There is nothing wrong with advertisers doing their job. Just understand the game they play.

Relationships also fall prey to the wants vs. needs dilemma. People get into wrong relationships every day because they lose sight of what really matters. It is like the lyrics from the country song, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.”

Here is the contrast:

  • We want a mansion; we need a roof over our heads.
  • We want to get promoted; we need to do what we were hired to do without complaining.
  • We want a lot of money in the bank; we need to start saving, investing, and live within a budget.
  • We want a meaningful relationship; we need to learn to give instead of take.
  • We want the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. We NEED the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. Come on…you know we are due! LOL.

Next time you are making out your wish list of things you want, go through and ask yourself: “What do you really need?” Start with that list and you will have fewer regrets and a lot more peace.

Shalom!

 

Dan Skognes

ALIENS

Posted in Funny

ALIENS dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

I recently went to see the new Alien movie. I think I have seen all of them. The latest one was a little unnerving to say the least. I came out of the movie and realized that we have aliens among us!

I am not talking about the kind in the movie with the metal teeth that can tear you apart in one bite…although I have personally known a couple of them and let’s just say…I am lucky to be alive today and still have all my limbs intact.

I am going to reveal to you the biggest cover-up that nobody is even talking about. The elephant in the room is huge, yet not one person is acknowledging that it is there. The aliens are…..women!

You might think it is a joke, but this is real! Think about it. When a woman turns her head and gives a man that “look,” he melts like snow on a hot summer day in Texas. Or, when she is wearing those stiletto heels and strutting her stuff, the man is following her like a sheep going to the slaughter!

We are in trouble, guys. We are at war and don’t even know it. They put this stuff on their face and call it makeup, but it is war paint, guys. Wake up! Look at how many of them there are. They make up about half of the population in the world now. We marry them…have more little aliens. It is out of control!

They have pretty much taken over. They are in leadership positions around the world. Think how close we came to having Hillary as President. OMG! And thing about this, the Statue of Liberty is a what??? A woman! And why is she all green?  She is wearing camo!!! They are blending in and taking over.

I am not trying to be paranoid or anything, but there is a knock at the door. If it is a woman…I am not answering it. Oh no……it is my SISTER! How do I not give away that I KNOW what is going on??? Breathe Dan, breathe.

Here are my survival tips for dealing with aliens:

  • They are known for having to get out their 50,000 words a day. If you can’t handle that, get them a dog or two. That is why dogs were created. They are already under their spell. Just watch them and how they love their master aliens.
  • When speaking with an alien, never ask them what they think about something. Ask them how they FEEL about something if you want to even come close to understanding them. Even then it won’t make sense, but the alien will feel understood.
  • I realize that they are beautiful creatures, but don’t be fooled. They are controlling your mind right now.

I hope these tips will help you survive the perilous days ahead. I have to run now. I have things to do on my “honey-do list.” I will survive!

Shalom!

Dan Skognes

Grow Up

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships, Spiritual

Grow Up dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator1I was trying to get a little girl to move up closer to a couple of little boys in the lunch line. When I asked her if she would, she said, “No. They are nasty!” I told her, “Unfortunately, it will be a while before they outgrow that. Be patient with them.” She got this far away look in her eyes and said, “Some of them will never outgrow it.” Wow, out of the mouths of babes. She did not realize the truth of what she spoke.

Later that same morning in the lunchroom one of the custodians came over to me and asked me if I had kids. I shook my head yes. He said, “I can’t believe I was ever this brain dead!”  LOL. He had asked some kid why he had thrown food and the kid got this deer in the headlight look and just sat there. He had no good excuse.  Busted!

Here are a few things I have observed. They are broken down by age groups. See if you can identify any of these behaviors in adults you know:

  • Kindergarten kids. They are in your face all the time and very needy. They have few social skills, are very possessive, and expect you to do everything for them. They are learning the art of tattling.
  • 1st and 2nd graders. Slightly more skilled socially, but boys and girls do not respect the other gender. They have mastered the art of tattling and still want to be in your face and talk over you when you are talking.
  • 3rd and 4th graders. At this age they are starting to find their friends and become aware that they either fit in or don’t. They tend to listen better than the younger kids, but they are more opinionated and still easily offended. They are learning the art of blaming others or blaming their circumstances for their bad choices.
  • 5th and 6th graders. Wow. Not sure what happened to their judgment, but there is very little common sense at this age. If someone dares you, you do it. If someone pushes you or offends you in any way, you push back and at the very least give them your smack talk. Girls and boys are starting to be attracted to the other gender and there is constant giggling and whispering about each other. Neither gender understands the other one, but there is something that attracts them like the moth to the flame.

Unfortunately, you can probably think of adults that are still stuck in some of these behaviors. I think this explains why some kids can’t seem to adjust their own behaviors. Look at their role models.

I was laughing with one of my fellow 3rd grade teachers. I asked her, “Wouldn’t you love to have had ME as one of your students?” She rolled her eyes and said, “I would have had to be correcting YOU a lot!” I actually was a pretty good kid and seldom got in trouble. The times I did get in trouble were when I talked too much or was laughing about something. I found out in 4th grade math class that I could make people laugh just by burping.  LOL. That was funny for the moment, but I caught it when I got home with Dad.

There is a proverb that says: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, understood as a child, I thought as a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things. If you are a grown up, it is time to grow up.

Shalom!

Dan Skognes

Quit Worrying

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Spiritual

Our Basic Needs dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

 

Have a little faith.

Shalom!

Dan Skognes

21 Things You Don’t Want To Lose

Posted in Funny

21 Things You Dont Want To Lose dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator

Cooties

Posted in Funny, Motivational, Relationships

Cooties dan skognes motivation blogger speaker teacher trainer coach educator1The other day I had two 3rd graders come up to my desk as I was working on the next lesson for the day. They immediately pointed fingers at each other and started blaming one another for starting it. I looked at both of them and said, “I know what is going on here. You LIKE each other!”  LOL.  “Ewwwwwwww. Noooooooooooo” came the cry from both of them. They looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to their desks.

The teacher that was working with me laughed and said, “There is a lot of truth to that.” That is when I realized that Cooties are really a GOOD thing. We were always led to believe that if someone had Cooties, we were to avoid them like the plague. The truth is, we ALL have Cooties. Too bad it takes hormones to kick in for us to realize that what I am saying is true.

I watched a couple of 6th grade kids in the lunchroom. They were giggling as I walked up and she whispered to me, “We are holding hands under the table.”  It was sweet and reminded me of that age and Darlene Willis, my first crush. Darlene had this long red hair and she had this magical way of making my stomach flip…in a good way. We held hands in church (under the hymnal…of course). I sweat bullets getting the courage up to do THAT.

Once the Cooties truly start to grow, those things in the opposite sex that made us mad now make us crazy.  LOL. A guy can be standing outside, looking off into the distance (probably wondering what his Mom is making for dinner tonight), and he runs his hands through his hair. The girls nearby swoon and giggle at how “dreamy” he is.

Or, take the girl who is walking down the hallway past a person of interest. She stops for a moment, casts a sideways glance and grins just slightly as if to say “Hi.” This, of course, hits him like a thunderbolt. He is like the deer in the headlights and he does not know how to respond except to give a nervous wave and a slight smile in return.

And so the dance begins. The attraction was there all along, we just did not know it was Cooties. Next time you have two young kids arguing and blaming one another, try pointing out to them that they really LIKE one another. It immediately stops the argument and gives all of you a great laugh. Cooties….who knew?

Shalom!

Dan Skognes